Category Archives: Paige’s Ponderings

What The Health

Great news! Kip Andersen and his crew, the makers of Cowspiracy: The Sustainability Secret have completed their follow up project, What The Health.

Kip researches and discovers important links between chronic disease and leading dietary causes.

I enjoy Kip’s investigative, self-reflective approach as he courageously and logically attempts to discuss the impact of dietary choices, and the recommendations the corporations involved in the health care sector are making.

I found it interesting to see the emotional responses people had to Kip presenting truth.  It highlighted again for me, the need to develop the quality of humility personally.  I forget sometimes that my lack of humility not only affects me, but the wider community.  The flow on effect of each individual on the planet choosing to not develop humility means we find ourselves living in a society where those people elected into decision or policy making positions,  can quite literally make the difference between life and death, growth or destruction.

It is easy to blame the corporations or a few individuals, but honestly where is the self-responsibility in that.  The corporations and the health industry we have today is a product of OUR choices.  Our individual state of health is a direct result of our choices.

What The Health certainly encouraged to re-examine my choices. Thanks Kip.

Stream or download What The Health via Vimeo.

Man Up

A doco is currently being aired Tuesday evenings on ABC exploring suicide in Aussie men, what it means to be an Aussie man and society ‘rules’ guys and gals feel men should follow.

Gus is a radio presenter who lost his best mate to suicide. The experience has prompted him to explore why the highest rate of suicide in Australia occurs with men, and why asking for help, talking about and expressing emotion is so taboo amongst men.

The two episodes aired so far are beginning a conversation that needs to be had.

I am finding it valuable, as insight into how men feel about things; the projections and false beliefs that they contend, with particularly from women.

It is really inspiring me to reflect on how I view men, how I treat men and have treated men. How I behave around men, and become more sensitive to how men respond around me and reflect on why – what is in me, and why have I basically ignored and raged at half of the population most of my life, without considering the damage it creates.

For personal reflection or not, it’s an eye-opener, and possibly even a heart-opener.

ABC Man Up Tuesday 8.30pm
Or watch episodes on ABC iview.

Also there is a Doco-drama called Men’s Group that explores similar themes.

What’s in a game?

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One of the essentials, when camping with us, is a deck of cards. Kerry and I love playing games, all sorts of games…whilst we are happy to play just the two of us, I do get quite excited when there are other willing participants…for many reasons, I have come to realise. The mere fact that there are a gazillion apps available these days for every tablet and phone, indicates that many of us ‘adults’ experience some sort of feeling when we play. Ever investigated what motivates you to play and reflected on what you “get out of it”? It’s an experiment worth perusing, and can be confrontingly revealing (certainly was for me). Even examining why you DON’T like playing games, for those who avoid them, is worth uncovering.

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We often play backgammon, and have experimented with playing lovingly, ethically- it doesn’t always pan out that way mind you, as sometimes we realise we don’t WANT to play lovingly…interesting huh. By this I mean, a majority of games are about attack and defense- strategy to be victorious. So rather than playing an attacking, defensive game, we attempt to just play the game, roll by roll, without targeting the other person in our attempt to move all pieces to home. When I say it doesn’t always work, move by move, roll by roll, sometimes the desire to attack and get ahead by disadvantaging the other player is overwhelming (mmm…that concept seems somewhat familiar in days gone by). The law of attraction plays out, and all these emotions come to the fore: being powerful, superior, successful, vengeful, better than, self gratification, good enough, approved of, clever, out of control, disadvantaged, limited, restricted, attacked, unfair, rebellious, spiteful, unworthy, stupid, inferior…the list goes on. Even playing ethically, you find yourself unable to continue because your stuck off the board and haven’t thrown the correct number that allows you back on, meanwhile the other player keeps rolling doubles and moving, moving closer to the desired goal. Metaphor after metaphor. Insight after insight. If your self reflective, and humble during this, you can discover so much about yourself, that you didn’t even realise was possible. Just by playing a game.

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Over the holiday period, I had the opportunity to rifle through the games draw at my parents, and pull out a few old favourites. Mmm a few mixed emotions there, clearly I still don’t like being told what to do, as “Simon Says” went back in the draw. My sister, keenly awaited to see the ‘goodies’ I would bring to the table: junior pictionary; balderdash; cards for ‘frustration’, Panic and one of my all time favorites, Dr. Snuggles Bingo. I loved this cartoon as a kid. I recently discovered it was the first non-violent animation TV series for Children produced in the UK. The optimistic inventor Dr. Snuggles and his animal friends didn’t last long as unfortunately it only ran from 1979-1980.

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Now you might be thinking I’ve gone slightly bonkers, playing a simple game for 4 yr old, that requires you to take turns choosing a picture card from the deck, and matching it to one of the 9 picture possibilities on your players board. It’s simplicity was the appeal (and the cool art work from the cartoon). The key with this game is that if you pick up a card, and match it- you continue your turn until no more cards you select match your board. So effectively, based on their law of attraction, a player could reach BINGO, before anyone else gets to have a turn. Wowsers, did that little detail bring up a whole host of “that’s not fair, missing out, I don’t like this game anymore, cos I’m not getting what I want or expect” type feelings in all of us.

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Then we played Panic, which involves selecting a card of various categories, where by in a 30 sec time slot, you need to name 3 items. For example: name three things that begin with the letter “H”, or name three cold things, name three things that are associated with beach…you get the idea. Each round the number of items required to name increases by 1 up to a max of 10. This is a kids game. And it’s called panic for a reason! Talk about fear, logic, reason and memory not co-existing at the same time!!!! Hoolidooli- the things that came out of our mouths in response to these questions were hilarious, and bizarre to say the least. I think we all timed out at least once- completely frozen mentally and physically by fear, and then sitting in the pool of ‘stupid’, inadequate, and humiliation. Hearts racing, palms sweating, legs shaking…this kids game brought us to our knees, a few bowing out due to “this is too stressful, I’m getting a headache!”…mmm.

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Keen to expose more of the ‘unmasked me’, we carried on with Pictionary- hoping the drawing skills and right brain inclusion might even up the score. Nup! Do you know how hard it is to draw when under the pump of the time clock, and anticipation of the guessing partner??? Well- for a start your hands don’t work very well when stricken with fear; fear of failure, performance anxiety, and potential humiliation and ridicule, if I bomb out and come up with illegible, indecipherable squat! It sounded as though the local footy match was being played in the lounge room.

Next was Balderdash, a bluffing game. There are 5 categories to choose from. A word, A date, A movie title, A person etc. All of which do exist, are true and have occurred sometime in history. Each player is required to create or describe a meaning, plot, or what occurred on that date. Then all the responses are read aloud, including the true one, and everyone chooses the response they feel is the real answer. Many many laughs are to be had, with this game. I haven’t laughed that hard in a very long time. Mostly, at myself, when I got called on altering the descriptions as I read them aloud (thinking it would sound more plausible, and less obvious which ones were false) and realized how my “good intentions”, meant I totally disregarded each person and their choice to write what they wrote, and there by potentially altering the outcome ( what if no one chooses their description as ‘real’- because I did not think it sounded real) and I was manipulating the game to what I thought would be “better”. How arrogant is that!! It took kerry pointing it out to me, that I was being totally unloving, not honoring free will of every person playing, not allowing consequences, what ever they may be, for each person, attempting to manage the game, and ‘protect’ the other players chances of a good score ( based on my assessment of what would be good, or fair or even), all under the guise of ‘good intentions’. Wow! How often do I do this in real life?! It hit me like a brick- how did I not see this before!

So, What’s in a game? A LOT!!!! I know it sounds like it was grueling, but actually, it was so much fun! One of the softest ways I’ve found to trigger fear and inadequacy. Exposing all these feelings in me, whilst gobsmacking, was strangely enjoyable. It’s a hard one to describe- so if you wanna know, you’ll have to give it a go, and experience for yourself.
I am in awe of how our soul condition drives our intellect and behavior, especially noticeable when under pressure. A very simple game, can trigger a truck load of addictions, expectations, demands, needs, and emotions- both painful and immensely pleasurable. If we are open to it, through the desire to have fun, and experience joy and pleasure, a revelation can occur. Our version of ‘joy’ and what we are willing to do to feel that feeling, versus God’s version of Joy. I personally feel that games are a doorway to expose the multitude of core emotions we attempt to deny in our adult life everyday, even the pleasurable ones.

There’s a kid in all of us, I reckon- waiting to burst out and express how we are really feeling. And I have just now illustrated what many of us feel- that exuberant joy is reserved only for kids. Not so! I am reminded of a chat with some friends in the spirit world from the other day- they love playing games. And they play often- simply for the indescribable joy that results from playing games. There is no winner, no loser, no competition. So many wonderful games. We are excited for them to share these in the future. They wanted us to be reminded that by nature we are designed to experience and express, though many avenues, infinite amounts of joy. There are no limits to the magnitude of joy and pleasure our Father wishes us to feel- the lack of it, sits solely (souly…he he), with us.
So, just like the sheer joy and excitement, and shrill laughter pouring out of my two year old nephew Cody, as he jumps on the trampoline singing ‘bounce, bounce, bounce’, whilst beckoning with his waving hand for me to come and “bounce bounce” with him- there is an overwhelming joy available to all of us, along with loads of self discovery along the Way.

Up for a game anyone??????

Choice: embrace or resist?

This blog is as much a record of expression and journaling for me, as a potential tool for sharing and maybe even inspiring in some instances, others to embrace and experiment with discovering who you really are- the true qualities and personality of your soul, and growing in Love, either with or without God’s Love (that choice is entirely yours). My intention is to be real. To reflect, through my posts and ponderings, my journey- which may or may not be helpful or an example of engaging and developing a life lived in truth. I promised myself, I was going to take the plunge, and present myself as accurately and rawly as possible- challenging all my feelings about, wanting to be liked, and loved; being seen to be the ‘good girl’; and daring myself to finally say what I feel and think, and no longer modifying that, because of others opinions of me, or seeking approval. I desire to be frank- and transparent. I don’t want to only share the joyous, ‘successful’, ‘rosie’ parts of this journey. I want to depict and reflect the true essence of what has occurred- an some of that may be a bit ugly. Some of what I write has even shocked me- but that’s okay. Because I am willing to, quite frankly- cut the bull dust, peel off the mask and show all of me, as it were- even if only for my own growths sake.

If you start reading, and don’t want to read anymore- that’s cool with me. Don’t continue reading just because I have more words written here- cos maybe they are only relevant for me. Read on, only if you truly feel you want too.

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After our firm truth session with Javan and Susan, things got pretty ugly and a bit messy. We received communication that was…less than loving in its content, and the accusations, anger and rage now being projected toward us triggered some pretty big emotions in me. I was feeling ‘hurt’ which I realize now, is just another form of anger- only I seemed to believe, that anger was justified.

“I’m allowed to feel hurt- that person just treated me like crap!” “I’ve given my love, compassion, time and resources…and now it’s being thrown back in my face”.


My addictions of wanting to be loved, treated with respect, wanting to be liked, appreciated; a sense of doing a good job, making a difference and helping (among a myriad of others) were all telling me something- that this is the same as not being in Truth. These feelings in me were demanding- whilst they exist, they do not allow anyone to give them as a gift to me. These feelings in me, just by there presence, are automatically taking, and asking. They leave no room for the free will choice of those around me.  If my self worth were developed in love- I would not need these feelings from people. I would do what I am doing, love what I am doing, and be open to receive love, respect and gratitude when and if it was given. If it wasn’t given, I would still be doing what I am doing, and loving what I am doing, regardless.  This was an opportunity to refine my desire for being of loving service to others. * I can see that now- but in the moment- my ‘hurt’, ‘rejection’ and ‘disappointment’ masked how angry I really was, about these feelings not being met. I was angry and felt completely unloved in return. Mmm…its so revealing, even as I am editing this 2 weeks later.

I had an awesome experience, when I faced my fear, and received God’s Love whilst speaking truth with Javan and Susan. It was phenomenal- I couldn’t describe it then, and I still can’t now. That Love had shone a penetrating spotlight beam on some pretty dark feelings in me, during those hours, that have been rising to the surface all week since then.

A gift, became another gift- only I have been rejecting it all week, by not being willing to see, or admit, OR feel, just how angry I really feel about things. I’ve been sitting on it, attempting to manage it, rather than just belting the crap out of a pillow or screaming my lungs out about how shitty I really am right now!!! I made this week SO much harder- just because I have this massive resistance to allowing myself to express anger and rage- I’m terrified of how angry I might actually be. (Which in reality means what- I might destroy a pillow?? Or the police might come because I’m screaming blood curdling sounds- Big deal!).  I obviously have a very strong false belief, that this is who I am- so I do my darnedest to not be that person.  This highlights to me, that even after everything I have heard, and thought I understood, that I still don’t emotionally understand the difference between me being a soul that carries anger around inside- that could easily be removed, and is after all just an emotion, and the anger being me!  How often do we describe the world around us as ” the angry person”, “the violent person”, “the controlling domineering person”, “the judgmental, self righteous person”, “the arrogant person”?  We make an assumption, in those statements, that the entirety of the person, is that one expression that we have witnessed or encountered. Rather than a person who has anger, arrogance, feelings of narcissism etc.  This is another reminder of how my feeling world view and God’s feeling world view are way out of sync. God sees us, the real us and our errors. Just like the news report each night, we only see the errors and believe them to be all there is!  I’ll admit, I have been one of those, that has been willing to always instinctively believe the worst, before I stop myself and reflect on its validity.  Why is it that we tend to do this?

I was so angry- I didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t think clearly or logically- everything began to tick me off. I knew I had to do something with all this emotion rising in me-

“I know it is there- I can feel it bubbling away…I can hear it in the tone of my voice; my responses to questions are short, I’m fidgety, sighing a lot and frustrated, irritated by the smallest of things. I can feel a tightness in my chest and I get sunburnt- like I did today, when I am not being humble.
Why, am I so resistive to sinking into experiencing fully, anger and rage???

Hoolidooli – what was I doing???!!! Resisting that’s what.

Why am I telling you about this part of myself that has been revealed? Because it is real. I am a person who has load of anger stored up inside. And I have been lugging this around inside me, allowing it to mold my choices. And maybe this will be an example of what not to do?! And because, reality is, there are a fair portion of the population out there, that are in a very similar state- unwilling to admit we have huge amounts of anger, frustration, annoyance and irritation stored within us, effecting our lives everyday and we don’t even comprehend just how much!

I was gutted, that this was the way Javan was choosing to react to the love, truth and generosity, that we shared with him- offering him the opportunity to grow. But that’s just it isn’t it- it was his choice.

I know that I am making mistakes along the way, when I choose to live in my anger, or suppress it. Seriously- it would be so much better for everyone and everything, if I just released the anger in me, instead of trying to pretend it isn’t there!!!! Engaging this desire, is bringing me SO MANY, opportunities to grow…IF I’m willing enough to embrace them.

It has taken me sometime to realize, that all of this actually has nothing to do with Javan. In fact, his choice to act and say, and imply unloving things to me and about me has brought to the fore many false beliefs that I hold onto within me- with grim force so it seems. And shown me that I have anger about a lot of issues: dishonesty, corruption, authority, deception, deformation, money, opportunistic…the list is long!
Also, this has highlighted to me, that I believe that other people’s opinion of me, and perception of me, is important, and of value, and defines who I am. Which means, I value others opinion of myself above my own- even when, they are untrue. This shows me again, that I do not trust myself, and my assessment of things. And that I still judge myself, based on my parents opinion of me. While I cling to this, I will not ever see myself, as God sees me.

If I truly gave gifts, from my heart with Love and Compassion, I believe (in my mind obviously) that regardless of how that person then chooses to use those gifts, it is their free will to love it, and care for it, embrace it or trash it. I may choose not to give anything further in the future, if a lack of gratitude and love for the gift, and the giver, is demonstrated.  But for me, right now, as the giver, to act in hurt, and ‘justified anger’… immediately, I am now out of sync with Love, and those supporting me can, no longer.

So, if I am now having an angry response to the person, and about the treatment of the gifts I gave away, I am doubting whether they were in fact truly gifts.

I am left wondering now,  about the acceptance of the gifts being offered? Javan had a choice, with the gifts we and others gave. I had a choice with the gifts God gave me, through meeting Javan. Did I love them? Did I care for them? Did I love the person who offered them? Did I soften to the opportunity to grow? Did I allow myself to just feel?

What gifts are being offered to you each day? Are you embracing? Or suppressing? Feeling? or Managing?

The opportunity to choose Love, and develop in Love, follows you everywhere, even when you try to deny it. And sometimes, choosing to develop in Love means admitting and feeling just how angry you actually are! It’s certainly a step in the right direction.

To quote from StarTrek: Resistance is Futile!

Look At Your Life Through Heavens Eyes

 

These first few days in Kineni, staying at Javan and Susan’s place have been exhausting to say the least. We feel uneasy, and are not sure why. Yes, we are a little nervous about all that we have been taught, and wish to impart, thoroughly and efficiently. Our addictions of comfort, and having personal space are definitely being challenged. The days are long, (village life starts early and surprisingly finishes late into the night, their night meal being somewhere between 9 and 10pm) and being such close proximity to everyone, all the time, with little reprieve- it’s a tad overwhelming. Even having 180 pairs of physical eyes, staring at you, watching your every move- their feelings and beliefs about you, and why your here, constantly streaming towards you, is a fair bit to process. Add to this the heavy spirit influence, of earth bound, angry, resentful, suspicious relatives and previous community members- it was pretty full on! Plenty of opportunity to feel!

The women are up and about by 4.30am, well and truly still dark. Even the rooster is behind the 8-ball, not announcing the day til 5.30-6. The 160 orphans, 30m up the hill, are readying themselves for the trek to school, and on their way by 6am. Then the chooks nesting, sitting on eggs under our bed are fluffing about, wanting to duck out for a scratch and a snack.

Whilst we have both grown up on farms, and are not adverse to ruffing it- (having spent the last 12 months on the road traveling outback Australia); squatting behind a bush or in plain view to passing cars if necessary, bathing in a bucket, and wearing the same set of clothes til they practically walk themselves to the multi-purpose wash bucket, we can cope with. But I am the first to admit, without decent sleep, or time-out for myself, I cope very poorly.

I am not a morning person- in that, I prefer to speak (silently) with myself, and when I’m willing, God, until I am ready to interact with the world around me. And without sleep…well lets just say any mask of facade that may be tempted to use that day, is pointless! It may as well be made of clear wrap, cos my real feelings are ‘written all over my face’. Especially when there is a cumulative effect, of 3 or 4 days!

The two of us being squeezed into a single bed, for two nights, just so we would not offend our hosts, was ridiculous in hindsight. Although Denis encouraged us to stick it out, to show them that we were not afraid to stay in their mud huts for fear of sickness, as a minister from Australia had once declared- he was not the one sharing a single bed, with little to no sleep! Once again, we fell prey to our addictions of wanting to please and serve others, before we acted in love for ourselves! Hence Kerry and I moved into Kisii for the remainder of the week’s evenings. Self Love was pretty high on the priority list by this stage- three intense days had already taken there toll. And, we were not rising with enthusiasm and excitement for the day ahead- it felt like a battle, that great effort was required, rather than a celebration and free flowing, desirous sharing and teaching (like we had experienced in Nairobi). We realized that if we were to honour the teachings of Divine Truth, and share openly during the day, then we had to care for ourselves- clearly no one else was going to, or was responsible for that.

And to be completely honest, we were not feeling very comfortable about staying in the village anyway. Something felt “off” from the very beginning, and we did not honour or investigate the reasons for our feelings- as the suggestion had been made by Denis that it was “just our fear”.

“You feel less happy and enthusiastic since entering Susan & Javan’s community, this is always God’s Laws signalling to you that something is not in harmony with love. If you trust this, and examine the evidence you already have, you will see that in this case, that ‘something’ is a lack of desire for truth in the people you are encountering.” Mary

No wonder it felt like such effort! What we were attempting to teach, either spiritually or technologically, was not being received. It’s quite pointless really, to continue doing so, when there is no openness or yearning for learning in the first place. The fact that Javan and Susan, literally fell asleep, within 5 minutes of teaching them about how to unpack and care for the notebooks, spoke volumes. This felt like it was going to be a long process. Actually, no. Upon reflection, we should have seen the evidence before us, for what it was, and packed up and left. The fact that we didn’t, and that we attempted to proceed over the coming days, highlights that we still didn’t get, in our souls, how the Laws of Love, and Truth and Desire, and Attraction were all showing us what was really occurring. We were blind to it. Thinking that we just needed to “give it more time”. But we know now- God doesn’t patiently sit around waiting…She moves on, to where the desire and longing is clearly already present (‘coming back’ the moment the He can feel sincere desire is present within). God is resourceful, and logical with Her gifts. We were not. This was a lesson we were yet to learn, and act upon. I can see now, that the Law of Free Will was also in play here. By persisting, when clearly, the body language before us was demonstrating, that they would rather be doing something else, and therefore we could have also been doing something else that we enjoyed- we were ignoring the Free Will of Javan and Susan, and Kerry and I. This demonstrated more lack of gratitude. If someone had brought awesome gear as a gift for me, that could potentially change my life- I would be chomping at the bit, to learn how to use it and care for it- a treasure that I would love. But no, we had to suggest when we would have training sessions- we were not asked for them.

Wow, even editing this now, nearly a week later, I am astounded at how we push on through, thinking we are doing the “right thing”, all the while, God is showing us His Laws in action and we are oblivious to them. In every moment. Is this what was meant by ” I was blind, but now I see”??? This demonstrates to me that my mind is still the dominate influence in my life. I am not being present. I am not feeling my way through each day with my Soul and Gods Laws as my compass. I’ve gotta take these blinkers off. I’m tired of mindfully, swimming against the current- what a waste of energy and precious time. Time or our lives may be infinite, but I will never get this minute back. Even this minute is a gift for me. Having “all the time in the world” is such a dismissive approach, and lack of gratitude for the love that is being offered to me every moment of my life. Wow, so many things I have missed and been oblivious to, are really hitting home for me today…

The morning were to meet Javan and Susan, we were again asked for money for food for the orphans. I am including the following correspondence, as an example of what not to do, and to show how my emotions got in the way and the power of what I started with became totally lost, and ignored- because I backed away from truth.

Javan: You bring sugar 50kg sack,rice two 50kg sacks,washing bar soaps preferably MENENGAI type,salt,cooking oil 17kg

Paige: Javan- we need to ask this question. You obviously have purchased these items in the past, to feed yourselves and the orphans. Why are you again, asking us to purchase them?
Where does the money normally come from?
If we were not here and you did not know of us, what would be your normal course of action?

We are here to share Divine Truth- this is our highest priority. We will not to be constant source of money for your day to day needs- WE do not have the funds. We only have the donations that have been given to us for water tanks and a car. That is all.
Have you reflected at all, on what Denis said to you on the phone the other day?? About the emotions in you and your people that are creating this lack?? Everything that happens in your life is because of your soul. Us providing for you all, only helps you avoid the lessons of Love God is trying to teach you. Which we will not be part of, as it is unloving of us to help you avoid. Pray and ask for help to feel the truth of the emotions in you, that limit the food you have.
We will discuss this later when we arrive.

Javan: Hi, we normally donate during harvest period as explained in the blog, at times the donations are little. Also Jesus & Mary have made donations previously towards food. We have some maize remaining, little cooking oil, and sugar. Do not worry, we accept that money is limited especially meeting our day to day living expenses and you have mainly visited us to share divine truth, come and teach and show presentations with us. Seeing you gave much encouragement to our people having that you have donated freely your finances and time to teach us the truth.

(This is when I started to doubt myself…maybe I’m wrong, maybe God would feed the Kids, maybe I am being harsh- it’s not the kids fault, they are hungry… )

Paige: How many days will the supplies you have requested last for?? We might be able to purchase them, just this once. [The beginning of the end!!] It will mean less funds for water tanks. If you start feeling emotionally about the lack in your lives, and asking God from your heart to help you do this, then possibly, as you release these feelings from your soul, other souls in western countries will feel the change in you and begin to feel a desire to donate more funds. This is how we have attracted these funds for you in the first place. But your souls must do their part also- if you choose not to change, then your circumstances and environment will not change for the better. We cannot keep bandaging the wound- it requires you all to heal it.
Healing the wound means connecting to and feeling all your anger, frustration, fear about not having enough, and most of all your sadness and grief about how this lack of abundance is affecting your lives, your children’s lives, and your people’s lives. There is much sadness here Javan and Susan- and deep crying will sincerely need to happen, if you want to bring more love into your souls.

To which my comments and request that Javan address the emotions creating such lack were again ignored, and dismissed- and my guilt/ compassion for hungry kids, along with my being swayed by Kerry and Denis, meant I caved and handed over $600 in food, over the following three days. (Yes, that means the next day, even though I knew it felt wrong, we spent more on two 80Kg bags of Maize, and one 80kg bag of dried beans- oy oy oy!). I knew us continuing to supply and provide food, was only adding to the problem- how was this, ever going to change the situation??!! Man! I suck at trusting my feelings, and standing firm for the principles of Truth and Love.

Paige & Kerry, Trust yourselves. You can already see inconsistencies with what you are seeing and being told. Ask yourself why you aren’t already acting and speaking more directly about these things. Why aren’t you being insistent that these irregularities be immediately resolved? And if they are not immediately resolved why don’t you leave?

So, you might be thinking to yourself, “what’s not loving about giving hungry kids food??” Well here’s where we lost God’s support. God already loves these orphans, and is doing everything She can to care for them. The orphans are in the situation they are in, because of the soul condition of the adults around them. They will continue in their pain while the adults are in the condition they are in. In fact, there is suspicion the adults are stealing money that we have donated to the children. There is nothing we can do unless the adults have a pure desire to change. God cannot help them in their current state, so neither can we. If we think we can then we are being arrogant. We must respect God’s Laws if we are ever going to have any positive effect.
This realization, that Mary and Jesus confirmed for me sat so heavy in my heart! Why did I not follow through! In these moments, I was not a good steward for the donations in my care- or loving the people that donated, or loving the orphans either! I was adding to their plight, by not being consistent and persistent with the Laws of Love. Not giving money for food, when there had been no desire or attempt to address emotions creating the lack, was the most loving thing to do- and I ignored it. My guilt, and my/our version of what is ‘loving’ took precedence. I had to really process this one, and I can feel now, in my heart, that that action has actually caused more harm…to me and to them. And this is why:

“I feel that you need to be so careful about setting up the expectation in the community that you will be in charge of caring for, feeding and clothing these orphans from now and into the future. You need to be careful that your own feelings of obligation and your avoidance of guilt and feeling responsible don’t actually end up encouraging the expectation in the community.”

We, unfortunately, said a little bit, then bit our tongues, said nothing, expressed nothing, and continued to observe this yucky feeling growing inside of us. ( I know, I know- it is probably blindingly obvious to all of you reading this account, what was really going on- but let me tell you, when your in the thick of it, and the spirits around you are hammering you also, plus you know you have fears and doubts that you are yet to work through- its hard to be clear and accurately discerning of all that is bombarding you!) That just sounded, like an excuse didn’t it. Truth is, we knew in our hearts things were not right; were not as they seemed- but we did not trust our feelings, and when we spoke of them, we tended to shy away from pursuing them, because of the response and opinion of others…which in the following days we paid dearly for.
In short we did not carry out our first task, which was to assess accurately and thoroughly how the donations to date have been spent- we got swept up, and allowed the wool to be pulled over our eyes. We should have ascertained this the moment we arrived, kept the gear in the car and left immediately, if the responses and evidence were not honest and complete. We were not firm enough. We were not direct enough. Instead we all, to a degree, defaulted to our various addictions- because we wanted everyone to like us, especially after all that welcoming singing!
As I write this now, I can see it all- how it all played out, and why. I wish I could see it all, as it happens, and honour myself enough to say actually no, I don’t want to participate in that- we need to do this first! A benefit of sharing all of this with you, is the power and insight, and growth (if you embrace it) that comes from self reflection.

The third day of being out there, Kerry and I again asked questions, attempting to clarify and ascertain the truth and feelings behind the words Javan, and to a degree Susan, were telling us. Satisfactory answers just weren’t forth coming- and this yucky feeling grew exponentially. Denis felt we were being too harsh, that Javan would tell us in his own good time, how he spent the donations that were gifted in good faith to support the orphans and the sharing of Divine Truth here in Kineni. We felt the opposite- that Javan was hiding, and deliberately not forth coming with the evidence and receipts. Things just weren’t adding up. And it was clearly evident, by the treatment of the children’s clothing alone, new or second hand, that there was little gratitude for the gifts that had already been given. I was greatly concerned about how the car and fragile technology we had brought with us were going to be treated, when such lack of love had been demonstrated as the children’s clothes and shoes lay strewn about the compound grounds, or thrown on the dirt floor of the mud hut, as you would have seen in the photos posted in a previous post.
Javan attempted to blame the children for this, to which I quickly reply, “You are the adult here Javan, and the person who has nominated themselves to care for these children. The children reflect the emotions and beliefs you, and the other adults here have in their souls, about gratitude, love and care for the gifts given to you either by God or by Others. Which means, if the children treat their gifts, and possessions like this, you have exactly the same disrespect, and lack of love both for the gift, and the resources that created these gifts, and the people who gave them in the first place. Also blaming, anyone else, particularly children, rather than taking personal responsibility and looking at your own behaviour, is so not cool in God’s eyes. Shirking responsibility and palming it off to someone else, kids, in this instance, demonstrates lack of integrity, and shows us the true nature of your feelings, which right now are quite dark and contrary to the words you are insisting we believe.” “You say you are SO grateful, yet as we look around, our eyes and hearts tell us otherwise”. “We cannot help you if you are not honest with yourself, and honest with us”.

Guys, it is breaking God’s Laws to continue to give while a person is not in truth. Do not give more when it is clear the adults will be abusing the gifts. This only harms you and them. It does nothing for the children. Be firm and direct and take action immediately on any issue that you know to be unloving, or untruthful.

You are all shying away from this, and this is about you avoiding fear. Love acts, and doesn’t water down the truth or make compensations for people’s injuries. God knows that we can handle truth, and truth is the only thing that will open us to love. That’s why God values it so highly and attempts to bring it to us constantly. If you guys are avoiding truth out of fear, then you are lessening God’s Power to assist you and the people you are speaking with.

Two more days followed, and still our discussions about honesty and transparency washed off without absorption. We had seen some receipts, but not all, and when we asked pointed direct questions, the answers were avoided, justified or claimed…”they do not give receipts for such things”, to which we replied, so have you not recorded somewhere, everything you have spent? Knowing that we would be auditing and checking when we came, especially since all of these funds have been gifted to you? Did you not think that we would like to know specifically where it has been spent? And ensure that, you have spent it for the purposes you requested, or that we specified- like $3,000 on children’s clothing, since you kept telling us how cold it was becoming, and how cold the children were??

“Using funds to throw away after effects is a waste of time and resources. If there are no adults in Javan’s community, with responsibility to determine the direction for the community, that demonstrate honesty, sincerity or respect for the gifts you are giving, and if they are simply demanding things like food for orphans (instead of embracing ideas to deal with causes) then spending your money on these things would not help anyone in the long term, and would only breed dependency and more expectation. Remember the discussions we have had about how expectation is one of the most damaging injuries we in the West have; it is the injury that created much of the poverty you are now witnessing. It is not loving to encourage expectation and demand in the Kenyan people. They need to be empowered, not parented!”

To be honest by this stage it felt like we were being used, under the disguise of desire for Divine Truth, as a meal ticket to provide for the orphans, and to install power to the site, and pay for the organization government registration. After all the time spent emailing, researching and preparing for Kenya, sharing Truth and teaching about Love through our written conversations- no change had been made, no sincere desire to self reflect and feel had been engaged. I think we wanted so much for this community to be sincere, and get it, and desire God and His awesome loving laws, as much as we were striving for- that we just didn’t want to see that it wasn’t the case. We kept hoping, we would see and feel evidence of this sincere longing- but it just wasn’t there.

“Something to consider: If I was given large amounts of money from complete strangers on the other side of the world, who then travelled a long way, at their own expense, to visit me, upon their arrival the gratitude in my heart would naturally compel me to take them immediately to show them the precious gifts they had given and the difference it had made in our lives.

While I completely understand that these guys have injuries about the west etc, I still feel that love affects us universally. The fact that you haven’t been shown such things or treated in such a way, even upon asking, demonstrates that love and gratitude are not in their hearts in relation to these gifts. Under such circumstances it is unloving to give anything more.”

The feedback email we received from Jesus and Mary, when entering the Maasai Mara game park, really helped us feel and admit the truth of the situation. I have included some of their guidance here, as I feel these points are so important for anyone who desires to engage in the community at large, sharing the principles of Divine Truth, or for that matter, desiring to help anyone or any community, anywhere in the world, from a place of Love and Integrity.

“Am I honouring the gifts provided by people in Australia (P & K this includes you, yourselves) by ensuring that the reasons they donated the funds are being upheld? They donated the funds for the furthering of Divine Truth on the planet, and to help us to connect with people who have a sincere desire for that to happen.

Am I considering and honouring the time that went into being able to provide equipment, airfares, tanks, food and clothing for orphans? Am I considering people’s hard work, personal wages and savings that made these things possible and the effort that was taken to purchase good quality equipment and provide training in this equipment?

Am I addressing the fact the that gifts given to Javan’s community are not being honoured, and that lies have obviously been told about the usage of people’s hard earned funds?

“The people at home who have assisted in this trip, are just as important in God’s Eyes as anyone in Kenya, and in allowing the people in Kenya to abuse these gifts you not only dishonour the gifts of people at home (Paige and Kerry this includes your own gifts and hard earned money) but you assist our Kenyan brothers and sisters to damage further their own soul condition by being completely ungrateful for the gifts they have already received.

In not addressing these issues, and instead trying to encourage sincerity and honesty in people who already don’t display it, you actually impede the growth of these people. It also prevents you from moving on and finding opportunities to give the gifts to people who have a sincere desire.”.

Things will go well for you on the trip as long as you uphold God’s Laws. Things will go badly if you ignore God’s Laws, or have a lack of courage in upholding them.

On the last day, staying at Kineni, I needed sometime away from the constant noise, and was searching for answers as to where I was going wrong- why this all felt so bad, why I had a feeling of just wanting to get out of here! I was severely sleep deprived, having been awake all night and all day, plus little the night before. So I crawled into bed, with my iPad and earphones, and found a movie which I had been carrying around with me for sometime, but never actually watched. Maybe this will help answer some questions?? So for the next 90 minutes I bawled my eyes out, as theme after theme, and song after song, highlighted to me the things I was missing. The movie was Disney’s The Prince Of Egypt, based on the story of Moses. Whilst many of the concepts depicted in this movie about God, and Gods Love are incorrect- there are many that are True. The part that had the most impact for me was this song. Again, while I do not agree with some of the lyrics, the over all message was what I needed to hear. “Through Heavens Eyes”

 

Lets now fast forward to the morning in the Mara, after the three of us discussed the content of Jesus and Mary’s Feedback email.

As Justus drove us from our stay in the Maasai Mara, my heart was heavy with sadness. Would I find the courage to say all that needed to be addressed today? Would I no longer allow my fear of angry, violent men (and spirits), and deep feeling of mistrust, make me shy away from expressing what I really feel- address issues of dishonesty, and lack of love, self deception and addictions in others, as well as myself? If I found the courage and faith to do all this, the next weight on my heart was, how was I going to share with you all our withdrawal from Kineni Village, Ogembo?

Initially, I felt like I had failed- let down everyone that was involved in the Kenya project. I was angry with myself, for not upholding truth, and not trusting my feelings. But most of all, I was sadden by the lack of honesty and transparency Javan and Susan were displaying to us, in our interactions, discussions and their actions. In truth- my lack of firmness and thoroughness for Truth contributed to this situation, and I realized this morning, that no longer could I honour my fear, and shy away from what I felt to be true in my heart. The pain it was causing me and everyone around me is just too great.

Every time you are willing to step over one of God’s Laws you are not helping anybody – this includes you, them, their community, the children, and the common issues that are the causes of poverty globally.

It’s perfectly OK to bring the equipment back home with you if you cannot find anyone who you feel will treat it with respect or care. It can be used here or in other places in the world to share Divine Truth, and this is how it was intended to be used.

So I prayed. All day, I prayed. I Prayed like I have never prayed before- that we each would find the courage to speak openly and honestly with Javan & Susan, and feel into our addictions as to why we did not address these issues with them and between the three of us, the moment they arose- it could have saved so much heart ache. I longed that I would have the courage to speak my concerns, to ask the questions that needed answers, and to lovingly and thoroughly, yet firmly, address the issues of love and truth that had been dismissed, ignored or blatantly compromised within this whole project, with others and myself. To completely assess the evidence of monies donated, as we should have done the moment we arrived in Kineni. Instead, we allowed our flakiness for truth, and feelings of obligating the display of niceties towards us, not wanting to offend.

I realized- I had to be real! I had to face this head on, or I had to go home. I was not assisting Divine Truth in Kenya, by pandering to my fears. I realized that morning, in the car, as I drove us back to Kineni, that I did actually, truly feel love for Javan and Susan. And if I Loved them, I had to address these issues with them- I had to explain why we could not stay. I had to share with them that actually, I wished I didn’t have to leave, because there was so much we wished to share with them that could literally change their lives- but, their actions and feelings were demonstrating to us beyond a doubt, that they sincerely did not want these truths. And Did not want to develop a relationship with God- even though they said they did. I wanted to explain, that it was OK, if they didn’t want to learn about God. But that their lack of honesty, and not telling us this, was being unloving toward us, and the time we have devoted to be here with them.

An early withdrawal due to a lack of sincerity always has more of a positive effect. It causes people to have to reflect on their level of sincerity, much more than you attempting to encourage and engender sincerity in them. God never attempts to encourage people into sincerity. God waits for the person to become sincere and then rewards them and gives abundant gifts as a result of their sincerity.

I wanted to emphasize, that “our leaving is not a punishment. Our leaving, is the most loving thing we can do for you right now”. And one day, I hope they would be able to feel the Truth of this.
Kerry and I bawled, as we could feel the Love pouring into us, as we spoke, sharing all we said with Javan and Susan. I have been reflecting on this all week. And I am still not certain, they absorbed anything that we shared with them Sunday afternoon, or the entire time we have known them. But I’m pretty sure, their souls absorbed some of the love we felt for them in those hours- and that, they will carry with them forever, no matter how they choose to act now.

Courage and The Great Experiment

This morning as we sat together eating breakfast, Kyale arrived eager to ask many questions that had arisen since yesterday’s chat, along with Pastor Michael.

He spoke of how after he left us last night, he went home and tried The Great Experiment. He said he felt something in him, then became overwhelmed and spent most of the night shaking and vomiting. “Something dark in my stomach wanted to come out”. (He was still shaking as he relayed this to us). So we spent some time discussing with him, reiterating the analogy, that in order for God’s Truth and Love to enter our soul, we must first ’empty the cup of the soiled contents’, and him releasing the fear he was feeling right now, was part of how he empties his ‘cup’- his soul, so that it can be refilled with fresh, clean, pure Love and Truth. And that the experiment with prayer– real longing from his heart to change, that he engaged last night, was God answering his prayer- touching his soul with Divine Love, and helping him release some of the fear that he has carried inside him for a very long time. He was visibly emotional about the experience, whilst also wary of those around him, and what they might think of him. We’ve all been there, ay!

It was so beautiful to see the change in Kyale, since yesterday. The protective wall that he has had guarding his heart has softened a little, and we could feel it. He is a little unnerved by this, and the vulnerability he feels- especially when his wife questions what is happening to him. Yet, he is not shying away from the experience. He seeks more. So we showed him a few FAQs, as the computer and wifi were already up and running. He sat glued to that screen, then Joseph (one of chefs) came out to clear plates, he too eagerly sat down to listen, torn between wanting to hear and learn, and watching out for his boss in the background.

20130509-185218.jpg Joseph, Denis and Kyale

Then after a while, he went back to his duties, and obviously talked to Maggie about what he had just seen and heard, because she came out and nervously asked if she could listen also!

20130509-185113.jpg Maggie and Kyale

Over the next half hour, as Divine Truth played softly from the laptop at our table, the Westerners one by one vacated the area and the Kenyans came out of the woodwork, eager to hear about Love, and the Truth about God.
I didn’t get what AJ meant about the Africans being less resistive, and more open to Truth and Love, until I witnessed this scene unfold before me. Now I get it! Words entering and existing in the mind contribute nothing to change. It’s only when you experience, does it become real. The majority of Westerners, when they ask what we are doing here, and what are we sharing, listen ‘politely’, then go on their way, mostly with their masks and agendas intact. When Kenyans ask, their whole being listens intently to the response, they are drawn in, investigative, and questioning, then become desirous.
“When can you share more with us??” Even though they work 18 hours a day.
Such a contrast.

This is why we are here. Or should I say, this is why I am here. Face to Face, Soul to Soul- immersing myself in experiences. My desire to be here has just kicked up another few notches, and these beautiful Souls longing and seeking, are teaching me SO much. What have I been doing the last 2.5yrs? Fluffing around- basking in the words of Truth, not fully engaging or experimenting with them- that’s what! I have been arrogant with the Gift Divine Truth has brought me. Today it changes. Kyale has demonstrated courage to me, courage that has taken me much more than 24hrs to muster. In fact if I am really honest, I am still mustering that courage to FULLY embrace The Great Experiment. Kyale- you are a Gift to me today. Thank you brother for showing me The Way.